July 26, 2024 - The weight of waiting and loyalty to my grandmother

 

For years I have been waiting for my loved ones to come back to me. My husband, since I met him, had a job that took him away from me for weeks on end. For years I kept asking him to change his job and he only changed it when the little one came. All the joy didn't last long. He got a job at a company where the workload kept increasing year by year and in about 4-5 years in which he stayed home more than before, now he goes away again every week for 2-3 days/week. All together, it's years of waiting.

Then I waited for my mother to finish her contract as a maternal assistant for a disabled person, to retire so that she could come and spend time with me - I saw her twice a year, about 2 weeks in total. She retired, but my waiting continued because of disagreements with my father who wouldn't let her come to us because he needed her there.

Then an aunt moved in with us. She spent a wonderful summer with us, but then slowly she started coming less and less often because of the lack of comfort at our place and her various ailments that have tormented her over the years. For several years now I have been waiting for her to spend more than a few days a summer with us.

Then there were my in-laws who used to come visit us almost weekly. Now they come 1-2 times/year even though we live 15 km away. They are also so overwhelmed with work, bills, problems that they don't really care about visits. They just want to rest. I am the same as we were 15 years ago before we moved to the country.

I am very alone, overwhelmed, with only my child who I still care about. Waiting for someone to come to me is hard, oppressive, overwhelming... today my first impulse was to take care of my mother. I was so drained of energy that I felt the need to throw all my burdens in front of her and charge myself with her energy (see the 4 types of energy thieves described by James Redfield in The Celestine Prophecies).

And then my grandmother came to mind, my mother's mother, the one who raised me until I was 4 years old and whom I cared about very much. She too was waiting for her loved ones, and she waited for years for my grandfather to return from the war, then for him to come home on Saturdays while he worked in the city, then she waited for the children, then the grandchildren. Her whole life was a long and hard wait. And I realized that out of affection for her, I chose to live her life. I chose to create those situations and circumstances that would make me understand her weight and the suffering that come with waiting. I am sometimes so insistent that according to the law of eristic escalation/balance, people move away from me precisely to return to balance because my desire for company is exaggerated and disrupts the balance.

I sat down at the table with all 50 essential oils I have, intuitively searching among them for those that will inspire me in this healing process. I was drawn to fir and bergamot. I put a few drops of both on a napkin and started writing. Without stopping, everything that came to me intuitively and trying to feel what my grandmother felt when the weight of waiting pressed down on her. It wasn't hard actually because I knew what it was like, I knew very well what it meant to wait for my loved ones for days, months, years...

I released the following programs, beliefs and patterns:

I am an orphan

I have no parents

I have no mother

Waiting is hard

Waiting weighs me down

Waiting burdens me

I need my loved ones always by my side

I need my loved ones to be well

I need help

I need my loved ones to be at peace

I can manage without my loved ones no

My parents are by my side no

My parents support me no

My parents help me no

My parents love me no

I feel good with my parents no

I have parents no

I have lost my roots

My roots are weak

My roots are withered

I have strong roots no

I am supported no

I feel supported no

I have help no

I have loved ones by my side no

I am alone

I am carrying all the weight alone

I am tired of waiting

No one helps me

I have no help

I have no support

I am alone in the world

I belong to no one

I am faithful to my grandmother and waiting for my loved ones

I am faithful to my grandmother and without repeating her life patterns no

I must be faithful to my grandmother

I love my grandmother by living a life like hers

I show my grandmother that I love her by living a life like hers

I show my grandmother that I love her by always being alone

I show my grandmother that I love her by always waiting for my loved ones

I show my grandmother that I love her by always doing things alone

I show my grandmother that I love her by always longing for my loved ones

I show my grandmother that she I love without a mother

I show my grandmother that I love her without parents

I am loyal to my grandmother if I am always alone too

I am loyal to my grandmother if I am always waiting for my loved ones too

I am loyal to my grandmother if I am also without a mother

I am loyal to my grandmother if I live the life she lived

I am loyal to my grandmother if I am always alone

I am loyal to my grandmother if I have a life full of hardships like her

I am loyal to my grandmother if I manage without a husband and without parents

I am loyal to my grandmother if I wait for my loved ones to always come to me like she did

I am loyal to my grandmother if I wait for what I want to come to me someday

I live my grandmother's life out of love and loyalty to her

I have to show my grandmother that I love her and that I am loyal to her

Women must wait for their man at home

Women must stay at home

Women must take care of the house themselves

Women must manage the house and children themselves

A woman must be strong

I remind you that before listening to her, you must enter the theta state. Here are the steps to follow.

During the meditation, I felt the need to pour bergamot oil into my palms several times. I only used the fir tree while I was writing down the programs, for inspiration. After the meditation I felt a sense of liberation, peace and calm because I could show my grandmother that I care about her without having to live her life and her hardships.

I discovered why I was so drawn to the two oils, after reading about them:

Fir tree - gives a state of tranquility, calm, relaxation, peace and helps with concentration

Bergamot - helps restore emotional balance, helps establish authority over your own life, restores inner strength, useful in moments of depression, anxiety and sadness

All the best to everyone,

Geo