May 7, 2023 - Pregnancy and motherhood vs. money, I make peace with myself

 

Yes, I know the title sounds strange, what does one have to do with the other? Well, in my life it is because pregnancy and motherhood stopped my money flow. It is a theme that I need to explore in detail especially since I read that money and sexuality go hand in hand, both on chakra 2, both on box 6 in the numerological energy-informational matrix. So, somewhere, the traumas related to pregnancy and motherhood also blocked money because from the moment I became a mother my money initially decreased to almost a quarter, then it stopped completely for a long time, years that is, and it comes back to me very slowly and with great obstacles.

I am still not happy with the money I attract, I am tired of saying that I am grateful when I am not, not for 2 miserable money. I really want to have something to be grateful for. And I insist on money because I know that when you have money you can help others, you can do many good things. If people in this world had all their basic needs met, the world would look different. So I fight with myself, with my programs, with the monsters in my head, maybe this way I can help other women overcome similar traumas. I know that few women earn as much as they want and are pursued by traumas with a chariot, traumas and limiting programs that block them and keep them grounded. They don't let them "fly" free, so to speak. And I have accumulated a lot of resentment against motherhood...

In the period leading up to pregnancy, I worked as an HR manager in a multinational. I was demotivated, I didn't like it there anymore, I felt like I had no power to do anything, I was a buffer between the managers abroad who made the real decisions and the employees who complained a lot in the company but to whom I couldn't explain the decisions, as they were confidential. I had to invent all kinds of ways to motivate people, without money of course, which is what constantly grinds me down. I was overworked, I didn't earn as much as I thought I deserved, I didn't have the courage to ask for more because I was always told that I wasn't part of a productive department, but at least I was earning, I didn't worry about money.

When we decided to expand our family, I also decided to give up this job and stay home to take care of the child's education. We had also bought a house in the country, my work was moving to the garden and next to the child.

I had a beautiful, desired pregnancy, without nausea or other problems, except for the last period of about 2-3 weeks when I couldn't sleep, I would sleep at night with 4 pillows under my head at a 45-degree angle hoping that the smell wouldn't bother me so much and leave my internal organs alone. I just wanted to go out for once so I could rest too. I dreamed of green horses on the walls because 2 years later I didn't sleep for 3 hours straight. I was a walking zombie, dirty, unkempt, unwashed, uncombed, with my shirt always wet with milk, I would get out of bed with dozens of stings in my head from fatigue. Going to take a bath seemed like a superhuman effort...even though I really needed it and in the city I had all the conditions, not like here in the country. I was left with an ugly belly after pregnancy (attack on the belly explains the new German medicine - attack both from the outside with the cesarean section and from the inside because the baby was constantly hitting me, at all hours of the day and night), the money was reduced to almost a quarter during the first 2 years of the child-rearing leave, then to absolutely zero after. Only the sad sum of 84 lei, the child allowance, from a 4-digit amount, my salary as an HR manager, enters the card.

What programs do I extract from here? I feel like there are a lot of them...I'm taking them as they come...

Ah...and I hate pregnant women, I'm sick of them - if any pregnant women are reading this, I'm sorry, I'll work these programs, but for now that's how I feel. I'm sick of bloated and deformed bellies, of happy and contented...or proud faces. The other day I was looking for a dress for an event and maternity dresses kept popping up on the website. I don't want any more children, I'm terrified of another pregnancy, my relationship with my husband has been distant for years because I've dedicated myself completely to the child and after about 4 years my husband started to put pressure on me to take care of him too, not just out of duty but also out of pleasure. What pleasure, brother, when all I wanted from life was to sleep? I was fed up with the child, with the bottom wipes, with dirty diapers, with screams, with scandals, I wanted peace, quiet and tranquility...yes, now after almost 10 years I'm starting to have them, and my relationship with my husband is improving more and more as the years go by...initially I saw him as a desperate man in a midlife crisis, selfish who only wants to feel good. I understood that he really cares about me and it consumes him when he sees me so devastated, dedicated only to the child, with no time even for me...what can I say about my husband.

About 2 years ago I discovered dresses - that summer I had a lot of money and a very good relationship with my husband, everything was going smoothly, in good flow so to speak...proof that money and sexuality clearly go hand in hand. Then I came across the books of Denise Duffield, the mirage of money stole me, I wanted more...much more and everything got stuck again...and the money...and the other side.

Now I feel like a prickly, dissatisfied hedgehog. I can't complain, I'm not starving, God forbid, I have everything I need, we don't pay bills, we're off-grid, I have a beautiful family, the relationship is good...but that smooth and continuous flow is missing...in both areas...I write all this to unblock my list of programs to work on...to press the painful buttons and worse, I open the internet and look at pictures of pregnant women...bleh...how disgusting...limiting programs start flowing into my agenda...and I feel like I'm releasing a lot of evil from myself and a lot of imprisonment with each line I write...wow...

I already have 32 programs on the list, I'll put them at the end after I work on them. I'm browsing through the images on the internet and come across a picture of a couple upside down, with him pregnant and her not pregnant. That bloated guy just seems embarrassing and stupid to me, not disgusting like the women I had found earlier. Hm...so I have a problem with women. That unfortunate guy just makes me feel sorry for him. Notice how strong words come to me...so I have a deep trauma here, repressed for several years...

Here are the programs I discovered...and how much hatred and disgust is gathered in them...wow, how much sadness I had inside me:

You are only part of a family when you have children

Mothers have money, no

Pregnant women have money, no

Mothers have time to make money, no

Money and family are incompatible for a mother

If you make money, you have time for family, no

Money stops when you have children

If you have children, you have time for money, no

Children take your money

Pregnancy stops money

Motherhood stops money

I hate pregnancy

I hate motherhood

I hate pregnant women

I hate pregnancy

I hate motherhood

I hate pregnant women

I hate pregnant females

Pregnant women disgust me

Pregnant women are ugly

Pregnant women are bloated

Pregnant women are disgusting

Pregnant women are disgusting

Swollen belly is ugly

Swollen belly is disgusting

Pregnant women are embarrassing

Pregnant women are stupid

Pregnant women are embarrassing

Pregnant women have no money

Mothers have no money

Children let you make money no

Swollen bellies are horrible

Pregnant women are stupid

Birth is disgusting

Birth disgusts me

Because of the child I earn much less

Because of motherhood I earn less

Motherhood means much less money

I remove these programs, replace them with more positive ones, clean the fragments of my soul and all the cutlery...

I feel better, more relieved, a sense of peace that began since I started putting the programs on the sheet. Mom, how much garbage I was carrying with me... I wonder what else I'll take out?