May 29, 2023 - The Game of Life with Delia Turcan, a course that really shook me up

 

It was a course that I think I was the only one enrolled in and that Delia told me she had forgotten about. She decided to hold it anyway and I was left with very mixed feelings after it, I disturbed many buried negative inner thoughts and as a result I was unable to work with Theta for about a week afterwards and not to write here for about 3 weeks afterwards. I reacted badly, I quit the last day of the course without giving Delia too many explanations precisely because I needed a long break to sort out all the garbage that I felt I had there collected like at the bottom of a water dish, garbage that had been sitting quietly for years and that was stirred up during the 3 days of the course. And the first 3 days were so full of negative experiences that I didn't have the strength to endure the fourth - and I'm not a person who gives up easily and usually endures a lot...

When Delia told me that there were few people in the course, I sent her a message asking her to work on each person's problems as specifically as possible and not to waste time in useless discussions in breakout rooms like I had done in previous courses, discussions in which I usually ended up with people who were not prepared and with whom I felt like I was wasting my time. Delia respected my wish, but I got screwed big time because I worked with a much more advanced person than me who probably felt exactly the same and who was patient with me - a lesson that left me feeling humiliated, small, stupid, insignificant...or at least that's how I felt. Many painful feelings experienced in childhood when I was never good enough at school no matter how many A's I got, there was always someone better than me before me who would humiliate me and beat me up for at home. I felt my stomach churning with stress that I couldn't handle it and that others had expectations of me. That's how I felt in class, every day getting worse.

In the first part of each day I worked with Delia and an older student of hers who was retaking the class, who I think had been asked to participate to work with me. We took the 7 chapters of the course one by one, tested our respective programs and started working on 2 per day. The process consisted of choosing a limiting program and in pairs each one carried out a process of digging deep into the other's program. I was the cabbage every time. The other student was like a machine gun on me, she worked with precision, knew exactly what to ask and what to do. When it was my turn, I felt like going into the ground, my mind would instantly empty of ideas, I would ask random questions just to fill the time with something, I would feel small, stupid, insignificant, incapable. If I closed my eyes, I would feel my father's belt on me again for my incompetence. Why am I keeping you at the door? That's your job! To learn! To know! To be a prize-winner! I saw Delia as a teacher who evaluates me by interrupting me every time I said something stupid and the other student as my colleagues who were always better than me. No matter how many crowns I brought home, there was always someone better...

Also, the fact that during the discussion the other student was cooking, washing dishes or driving while working with me made me feel like I didn't deserve attention, she was obviously better than me and I didn't deserve to sit at the table like me, with all my attention focused on the screen. She allowed herself to do her own thing, because she was just much better. Mentally I know it's stupid, but that's how I felt - disrespected. I felt like I wasn't good enough to deserve someone's time and attention.

Do you see how many limiting programs come out? I told you that I dug up the garbage inside me very deeply.

The student I was working with would leave after 1-2 hours and another student would come in with whom we would spend the rest of the course working together in the same way. I think we were about the same level and we were left to work without being interrupted too much, only when we asked for help.

Chapter 1 was about releasing obligations to parents

Chapter 2 releasing the past

Chapter 3 releasing obligations to society

Chapters 4 and 5 were about releasing pressure from the group and the ability to receive infinite abundance. I found almost nothing from the list of limiting programs to test and I was told that it was normal for them not to appear on a conscious level because I had worked on them before...however...they were still there. It seemed strange to me, but I accepted the idea because I was working with people with much more experience than me. At Delia's request, I started reading all the programs and the other more advanced student told me which ones she saw I had. More than half of them came out, about 30 at least. I felt small and insignificant again because even though they hadn't come out for me in the test, they had been imposed on me as true by someone from the outside. Maybe I have them, I don't know, but why didn't anything come out of me? I felt humiliated again and I started working without any desire on some programs that I wasn't convinced I had.

The climax was on Day 3 when I was told that I had the "God has left me" program, when the other student started working on it because apparently he had it too, when my attention was somehow drawn to the fact that I don't accept the programs he worked on, although I have the same program and I should be more open. I simply didn't resonate with what was being worked on... and I was told that on Day 4 Delia would work on this program with me.

It seemed like a sensitive subject, to rummage through my subconscious for some programs that I'm not sure I have, to accept some changes maybe out of shame or under pressure...and I gave up...

And now as I write these lines I feel a slight headache, a sign according to German medicine that I felt attacked. Maybe I have the programs, I don't know, but I'm not ready to get them out. Maybe...

Overall, the course helped me improve my relationship with money - I started earning a little better after working on the program "My abundance is at ... (name of the last company I worked for and where it seems I left my money and abundance)"

I worked on my identified programs (I'm stupid, insignificant, etc.), my resentments towards Delia and the situation, I know her intention was good, maybe she should have rescheduled the course and worked in a normal course environment, with other students just like me... I don't know...

In general, when you overreact to a situation, some traumas you have trigger the overreaction. I worked with them a lot, but seeing now as I write that what happened still bothers me, I think I need to delve deeper into the childhood traumas in which I felt small, stupid and insignificant...I'll do it as soon as possible because I need to get rid of these negative feelings that make me really sad...I'll stop here for now...

Ah...I went back to the 7 chapters on my own and worked through them according to the textbook, but only 2 weeks after the course did I feel able...