August 11, 2024 - Abandonment and loneliness

 

When I was one year old, my parents were forced by circumstances to take me to the country to my grandparents where I grew up until I was 4 years old. They would occasionally come to see me, but they didn't manage to do so very often because there was no bus in the village, they didn't have a car and the nearest bus stop was in the next village where they had to cross the forest to get to me. At 4 years old, I returned to the city and they enrolled me in kindergarten where I was left among hostile strangers and where I was beaten because I didn't want to sleep at noon. I would hide under the white sheet that I still remember now, 40 years later, pretending to be asleep, but in fact I would suffocate because I didn't have air, waiting for the bedtime to pass in a state of constant fear. And now I suffocate at night when I go to bed if I feel that there is not enough oxygen in the room, I sleep as much as I can with the door open and in the winter I air it out 2-3 times a night.

20 years ago my mother lost her job and was forced, because in their city the options were very limited for a 50-year-old woman, to become a nanny for a disabled girl. I saw her about twice a year, for about 3 weeks in total. This year she managed to give her back to the home and strangely free herself from the obstacles put in place by my father who was not willing to give up the money he needed for his pleasures. At Easter she came to visit us for the first time without her and I felt that I finally had the chance to get closer to my mother after so many years, to have the much-desired relationship with my mother, a relationship that was interrupted when I was only one year old.

But...a month ago when she came back to spend time with me, her grandson and my family, my father called her back home (even though she had left with his consent) with threats that are hard to explain here, with a tirade of manipulations and lies that I don't want to go into detail.

She left with tears in her eyes, I don't know when I will have the chance to spend time with her again because his wound of abandonment, the one that makes him behave completely irrationally, accuse and threaten, is very strong, like mine. I felt abandoned again, a terrible pain in my soul when I watched her go down the hill to leave for the bus. And I sat and lay like that and cried for pity, and I avoided her calls and messages and it seemed to me that I was entitled to cry and suffer and be pitied.

My aunt, her sister, who has been away for 3 months with her children abroad, tries to pay attention to me as best she can from a distance, insists on talking, always tries to send me kind words and encourage me. And I...so that I can suffer in silence and continue to cry for pity, 3 days ago I answered her sharply, rejected her and made her very angry.

And then I realized something...does crying, accusing, throwing myself on the ground, rejecting everyone show how spiritually evolved I am? Does it make me any better than my father? And I decided to do something. I am better than that, I understand what my problems are, it hurts me, but I have methods and tools to solve something...I took the pen and started writing in my diary all the programs that I identified in the messages sent to my aunt, all the lamentations and complaints. And I took out about 6 pages that I released with the meditation below.

I am abandoned

I am tired

I am sad

I am always alone

Nobody has time for me

Everyone has time for me no

Loved ones have time for me no

Nobody feels like me

Everyone feels like hanging out with me no

I am so lonely

I am alone

Nobody hangs out with me

Everyone hangs out with me No

Everyone has other priorities besides me

I have a mother no

I have a father no

I have no one

I do what I can alone

I know which direction to take no

I can't anymore No

Do meditations and healing programs help me no

Nothing is solved

Everything is solved in my life no

I have been alone for years

I am mentally tired

I have a low vibration

I have a low vibration

I think negatively

I feel caged

I feel alone

I feel unsupported

I have somewhere to recharge No

I have someone to talk to No

Everyone pulls on me

I have strength No

Everyone gives me their time no

Nobody gives me their time

Nobody makes me feel appreciated in any way

Everyone makes me feel appreciated no

People run away from me

People pull me on the phone

Everyone asks for my time

Everyone asks for my advice

Nobody gives anything in return

Everyone gives me their time fairly no

Mom has time for me No

Everyone has other priorities elsewhere

I have no one to recharge from

I have people to rely on energetic charge No

I have nowhere to give anything of myself to anyone

I have a lot to offer no

I am tough

I manage to gather myself no

I manage to balance myself no

I manage to charge myself energetically no

Everyone runs away from me

I stay alone for days

Everyone wants to see me but from a distance

Everyone is pulling for me

Nobody offers me anything in return

Everyone offers me something in return for what I offer them no

I have where to go yes no

I am empty inside

I am drained inside

My mother has obligations towards me no

I feel a heavy state of depression

I feel a heavy state of abandonment

I manage to recover no

My vibration is very low

I manage to recover no

I can recover no

I have the strength to talk to others no

I have to pretend that I am fine when I am not

I am exhausted

The state of depression ends no

The state of abandonment ends no

My mother disturbs me with her messages and phone calls

My mother is next to me no

My mother's messages and phone calls make me sick

My mother's messages and phone calls give me a stomachache

I have the strength to answer my mother on the phone and messages no

I can't control myself no

I feel abandoned by my mother

I feel abandoned by everyone

I'm afraid everyone is abandoning me

I want attention

I'm desperate for attention

I suffer if I don't get attention

At the end of the session, after the command "Show me" I saw the tops of the trees in a forest, at night in the dark, then my gaze dropped down to where there was a clearing, at their foot. In the clearing a wooden table, light, warmth and about 7-8 people waiting for me, all dear people I was sitting next to. A beautiful image.

And what do you think? About an hour after I listened to the meditation, my husband, who has been traveling quite often lately, announced to me that he would not be leaving the next day as he had planned, but decided to stay at home with me for another day and make his trip on Tuesday. And without me saying anything at all. I really appreciated the change and we spent a beautiful and peaceful evening together...

I feel like I have a different strength after the meditation, as if I don't have so much desire to cry out of pity anymore. My mother is still not with me, but the separation is easier to bear. Who knows what changes are coming...

All the best to everyone,

Geo